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I could not possibly destroy such a beautiful question by an answer. Jonathan Frentzen
Before
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When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Wayne W. Dyer |
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'Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand. And 'lollipop' is the longest word typed with your right hand. (Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?) No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. 'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.? (Are you doubting this?) Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. The sentence: 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' uses every letter of the alphabet. (Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right?) The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). (Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.) There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. (You're not doubting this, are you?) There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 'abstemious' and 'facetious.' (Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. (All you typists are going to test this out) A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Some days that's about what my memory span is.) What is a jiffy? A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. A snail can sleep for three years. (I know some people that could do this too!) Almonds are a member of the peach family. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that also) Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. Who invented the scissors? Leonardo Da Vinci Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. The cruise liner, QE 2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (Good thing he did that.) The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. There are more chickens than people in the world. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance. Women blink nearly twice as much as men. Now you know more than you did before!! |
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Customer Service Rep (CSR): Yes, how can I help you today? CUSTOMER: Well, after much consideration, I’ve decided to install love. Can you guide me through the process? CSR: Yes, I can help you. Are you ready to proceed? CUSTOMER: Well, I’m not very technical, but I think I’m ready to install now. What do I do first? CSR: The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART? CUSTOMER: Yes, I have, but there are several other programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running? CSR: What programs are running? CUSTOMER: Let’s see, I have PAST-HURT.EXE, LOW-ESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. CSR: No problem. LOVE will gradually erase PAST HURT.EXE from you current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOW-ESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called HIGH-ESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off? CUSTOMER: I don’t know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? CSR: My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. CUSTOMER: Okay, done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal? CSR: Yes. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message? CUSTOMER: Yes, I do. Is it completely installed? CSR: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEARTS in order to get the upgrades. CUSTOMER: Oops. I have an error message already. What should I do? CSR: What does the message say? CUSTOMER: It says “ERROR 412 – PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS.” What does that mean? CSR: Don’t worry, that’s a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to “LOVE” your own machine before it can “LOVE” others. CUSTOMER: So what should I do? CSR: Can you pull down the directory called “SELF-ACCEPTANCE?” CUSTOMER: Yes, I have it. CSR: Excellent. You’re getting good at this. CUSTOMER: Thank you. CSR: You’re welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the “MYHEART” directory: FORGIVE-SELF.EXE, REALIZE-WORTH.TXT and ACKNOWLEDGE-LIMITATIONS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete VERBOSE-SELF-CRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back. CUSTOMER: Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with new files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that PEACE.EXE. RACIAL TOLERANCE.EXE and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART. Is this normal? CSR: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets downloaded at the proper time. So, LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go. CUSTOMER: Yes? CSR: LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some similarly cool modules back to you. CUSTOMER: I will. Thanks for your help. By the way, what’s your name? CSR: You can call me the Divine Cardiologist, also known as The Great Physician, but most call me God. Most people feel all they need is an annual checkup to stay heart-healthy, but the manufacturer (Me) suggests a schedule of daily maintenance for maximum efficiency. Another way, keep in touch. |
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THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD ... HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit. Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola. There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose. When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language. And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!! |
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© Created by Sásquia Phillips, 2008
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